I think I know what palpitations are now.

It's midday and i'm lying on the bed.  Not doing much. 
I really should move the TV in from the spare bedroom so I can watch the Olympics but then i'm afraid I may never leave this room!  
You see, I think i've overstretched myself a little both physically and mentally.  As i've already mentioned, I only have two out patient sessions left and my consultant has told me that all my blood results are good. 
In my head that means:  It's done, get on with things.  
My body is telling me something totally different.  Just the effort of having a shower in the morning has me lying on the bed for ten minutes afterwards to recover.  The husband is telling me that's because the shower is too hot.  He's probably right but i've got it in my head that the hotter it is the more i'll sweat so the more of the horrid toxins i'll get rid of.  I tried that theory with a very hot bath yesterday to near disastrous consequences!  I did sweat a lot though.


And then today.. you'll see a pattern emerging here...
I took delivery of a new console table for the hallway, i've only been looking for one for five years.  If any of you know our hallway, you'll know that it's more of a wine cellar, so I decided to move a few boxes of shiraz around.  I think I know what palpitations are now.


So now i'm back on the bed with my survival kit around me.  Laptop, jug of iced water, glass of dandelion and burdock (amazing to sip and take away the chemo taste), some lip balm (currently using Kiehls Facial Fuel) and some Jaffa Cakes.  I'm too tired to even consider moving the TV. 


Here comes the thoughtful bit:


It's odd lying here, listening to the sounds of the world outside the window and knowing that life is going on as it always has been for everyone else.  Living so centrally means that there's no escaping this, especially when the restaurant downstairs is having it's deliveries at 5am during the Olympics..  In April I was part of all of that, rolling out of bed early(ish) on a Monday and heading for the nearest coffee shop.  Now i've been transplanted to a place where I just watch it from a distance.   
It's a bit like being one of Marley's ghosts.  You experience the world that you are inhabiting but can't take part in it.  People walk past not really noticing you and you don't want to impinge on their world with your condition.  That then leads you to wonder what part you will take in it when you do return.  Will I be a changed man or will I just slip into things as before?  It's far too early to tell on that front but the ghost of Topher present and past has already taught me some valuable lessons.


The husband is going to have to tackle the flat pack.  Lord help us!  

34mins.

Final day as an in patient today.
I've seen the Olympic Torch go past on the Thames and i'm counting down the minutes on Baxter (currently 47) until I can be unhooked and go home.  After this I only have two more Tuesday 5 hour sessions to go.  Then I have an 'end of term' scan, as my consultant calls it, to check that all the bad cells have really been killed off.
This week has been pretty hard and I can't get rid of the horrid metallic taste in my mouth that's meaning i'm not really eating as much as I should be.  But i'm sure some good home cooked food from the Husband will sort that out when I get home.


I'm waiting until everything is signed off before I start making any plans for the future.  It was all supposed to be sorted after the operation in April but the little bugger made a run for it so no counting chickens.


I'm also pretty tired all the time but that's to be expected when you've  been pumped full of poisons for last two months.  Two months already, it really seems to have flown by.  Not sure whether that's been in a daze or just denial.  But I am sure that it's not flown by for everyone that's had to sit next to me during that period.  Thank you.


I've also finished first bit of the project, it's helped to pass the time as well but who knows if it'll ever see the light of day.


Right, time to pack up my room now for clear out and collect my injection for tomorrow.  It's a little like a diabetes injection but with a longer needle.  I need to do it the day after treatment as a booster for my blood cells.  I've elected to do it myself and this is one thing that the Husband will not help me with.  He is not a needle man.  Wuss.


Signing off for now.  34 mins....

What's the Russian for "Apply your own bloody suntan lotion.."?

Summer's here!
I just took a quick walk down Bermondsey St with a coffee and it's like there was an explosion in a shorts and vest store.  If you've never been to my manor before then you may not know that it's an area favoured by the beautiful young (and older) men of the city.  The street itself is peppered with trendy bars, restaurants and coffee shops so you had the option of a modern day Austen style promenade, and there's also Tanner St park so if all that has tired you out you can always flop down on the grass and take your shirt off.  I have a feeling a few of those there today had their shirts off in Vauxhall earlier..
And to top it all off there are tennis courts too so you can feel like you've done a little exercise by watching others do it.


I, on the other hand, have been working the colonial look, with my khaki chinos, floaty linen shirt and straw hat.  Sir Michael is my inspiration.


So much for all the Burkman Bros. and Scotch and Soda that I invested in earlier this year...


But onto the more serious matters.  Reading all the material about my condition i'm told that I should avoid direct sunlight because I will be very sensitive to it during my treatment and for a while afterwards.  In my usual way I have been questioning this given the mini heatwave that has we are about to enjoy. 


What does 'more sensitive' mean?

• Can I go out with factor 50 all over me or is my skin more sensitive despite this?
• What are the effects if I accidentally forget to spf my arms and roll my sleeves up?
• Is it just sensitivity and burning or is there increased risk of melanomas?
• Does this mean absolutely no sun at all?

Well here's an answer I prepared earlier.  Vitamin D is still very important so I shouldn't be holing myself up indoors all day, but I should be treating myself a little like you would a good glass of sauvignon at a picnic.  Leaving it in direct sunlight is not going to do it any good so make sure it's in the shade (but not for too long as it's still going to get warm) and it should be ok.

If you poke it....

It's been a week or so since my last post so thought it was about time to update things.
Well, on the chemo front, i'm sitting here hooked up to Baxter for the final five hours of Bleomycin which will finish my second course.  The second round hit me a little more than I though,  more psychologically than physically.   I think that's because physically i'm feeling pretty good but the thought of having to go through another three weeks of having poisons pumped into me is not attractive.
Whilst in hospital as an in patient for the last five days I just wanted to get out and i'm thinking of asking them to just knock me out for the next session so I wake up when it's all done!!  The coward's way out I suppose, like asking for local anaesthetic during a tattoo..


But, similarly, i'm not going to get 'any stripes' for being a martyr either and stoically enduring this without help.


I had a little bit of a scare over the weekend with an unexplained pain in my neck... There were tears and thoughts that things had spread..  An ultrasound and check up with my specialist yesterday, diagnosed nothing.  Just a bit of inflammation and a treatment plan of "stop touching it, of course it'll hurt if you keep poking it".  Story of my life.


I'm rocking the Lex Luthor look and have only worn a cap out in public once and that was because this bl**dy weather is making my head cold!  That didn't stop me buying the new session G-Star straw hat I saw the other day though.  Who knew hats were in.  And for anyone else in my position, a very nice old lady gave me a tip whilst I was in the waiting room today.  Rub in a little olive oil to help with regrowth... but remember not to just tip it out of the bottle onto the top of your head as that can be a 'little messy'.  If the Husband is reading this now he'll be sprinting to the kitchen to hide all his gourmet oils from my grasp, probably just to save me from myself in case I pick up the chilli olive oil by mistake!


On another note, i'm no longer technically pregnant, my alpha feto proteins are now back to normal levels and my pregnancy hormone is undetectable.  Looks like i'm going to have to take the Elton and Furnish route .  That thud you just heard was mum hitting the floor.


Anyways, time to carry on with my new project, all top secret at the moment but i'll let you know when i'm ready to report on it.  It's good to keep the followers in suspense.

Channelling Ilia and Lex.

I'm going to reveal a really embarrassing fact about myself now.  

No Stephen, I did not vote for Brian Paddick in the Mayoral elections.

Now that's out of the way I can let you into my secret.

I'm a bit of a Sci Fi geek.  I've always had a thing for Superman.  Just ask the facilities guys at WB who were constantly changing the posters on my walls, and I wore the black arm band  back when he died years ago.  I admit it. Nothing can embarrass me now.

I also once went to a back to back screening of six Star Trek films at the local multiplex when I was a student.  It was awesome.

So what has me thinking about this?  Well firstly, my fantastic PT bought me a Superman comic book yesterday when he came to visit.  I'm trying not to read it too fast and savour it but I know as soon as I'm finished i'm going to be off to the Forbidden Planet store to stock up on more.

The second is related to 'channelling Ilia'.  Go on, Google the name and I think you'll get at what i'm trying to say but can't really bring myself to post my own picture.  

What is it about some of us that we would prefer to exist in our minds in a fantastical reality where anything can happen?

I think we all know the answer to that.

Last night I was having real trouble sleeping and to help relax I started thinking about how I would remodel my flat if  I bought it.  I had a fantastic time installing kitchen islands, wine fridges and and ripping off plaster to reveal the original brickwork.  Then I fell asleep.  Who needs superheroes?

I then woke up again this morning to the reality of my situation, a nagging headache, painful stomach and an even patchier head.  It's chilly up there without coverage you know.  

So you know what I did?  I didn't fantasise about a life where I had a Clark Kent kiss curl but I trooped off to the local barber and a had a Lex Luthor cut.  

I also logged onto Mr Porter and bought a fedora.  It'll be my cape.

Down but not out.

So, as  I said on Monday, my test results are all good and my specialist said yesterday that I could not be doing any better.  I should be ecstatic but i'm actually probably at my lowest ebb since all this started.


The Beckham look has started to get patchy and i'm really really tired.  Every time I look down at my left arm I see this hornet's sting burying itself into my skin and pumping poison into me.  I think the thing is that although there is an end in sight, there's still a long way to go.  It's like that final couple of kilometres in the half marathons that i've done.  You can see the finish line, you can see everyone else crossing it but your lungs are burning and your legs feel like a tonne each and you just want to be there immediately.


I'll be there soon.


I've written a little ditty too....


Just for now.

Please don't come and visit me
I'd prefer it if you don't
I'm not saying please unfriend me
I'd be grateful if you don't.
But it's just I'm not at my best right now
It's all a bit of a strain
And to be honest with all these treatments
I'm looking a little bit plain.

Don't worry though, everything's fine
And I'm up for a full recovery
But just for the next few weeks
Im going to be a little bit wobbly.

My gatekeeper will be in touch
That's if he hasn't already
There'll be a spreadsheet with your name on it
Letting you know when I'm more steady.

I don't mean to tempt fate.

But....
My tumour markers are back to normal.  This is good.

At least it's Wimbledon week two

Cycle two starts tomorrow.  That means another five days in hospital hooked up to Baxter and intense boredom.  No matter how many magazines, e-books or downloads i've prepared there is the constant sense of not wanting to be where you are.  I suppose I should want to be there because it's treating me but i'm sure you understand where i'm coming from.


I've developed a bit of a routine over the last couple of weeks to avoid the boredom at home. Not that anyone could be bored with the Husband 'working from home'... There's always Radio 4  to listen to or and episode of Frasier to watch.  I kid you not.  That is the staple media diet in our household.  
I wake up around 9am-ish and i'm presented with a bowl of fruit salad.  I shower, dress and then pop to the coffee shop downstairs for a medium latte.  I then wander down the street, weather permitting, and sit in the park to watch the tennis players and dog walkers for a while.  It's nice to think that normal life is continuing for all these people.  Obviously that isn't a given though, who knows what excitements or turmoils could be going on in their lives that doesn't show.  I like to think that it's all excitement.


This realisation of other's lives was underlined to me the other day when meeting a friend who told me about someone I know who had cancer some years ago but still had to work during their treatment because they were self employed and had no other income or support during that period.  That's just rubbish.  Again, i'm reminded of just how lucky I am.  The rest of my days is spent just mooching around, updating this blog, and snoozing which to some would seem idyllic rather than boring.  So, i'll be thinking of ways of 'giving something back' when all this is done.
This also reminds me of a retweet from a testicular cancer awareness charity that i'm following, www.checkemlads.com :


"Are you not looking forward to going to work tomorrow just think someone somewhere is having chemo wishing they could go to work."